Thursday, January 07, 2010

Revelations from the Conservative Bible

Wow! Is it snowing in Morehead, Kentucky today? I think we're supposed to get six inches. Needless to say, that makes me think of the Bible and the right-wing Bible project. Tired of reading "liberal" translations of the Bible, conservatives have started a Conservative Bible Project so they can have their own "conservatively correct" sacred text.

Let them have at it!

From the conservative point of view, Christianity means that everybody should be able to make a ton of money, kick the crap out of anyone they like, and drop nukes on their enemies.

Why can't they have a Jesus who pronounces these things as the divine "word"?

Conservatives should also revise the Bible so they can finally get the birthplace of Jesus right. It should be obvious by now that there was a white Christmas for the birth of Jesus. When Irving Berlin (certainly a Christian conservative) wrote that he was "dreaming of a White Christmas," he meant that he was dreaming of the glistening white snow that was actually there when Jesus was born. The liberal accounts of Jesus being born in a manger in an ugly desert country can't be true. Mary gave birth to Jesus in a picturesque manger scene with lots of snow as the three wise men drove up in their sleds. It was so beautiful.

That means that Jesus had to be born well north of the town of Bethlehem in the Romanized Mediterranean. Maybe Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

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