Gay Chicken: Ahmadinejad Wants to Play

People probably want to know "what is gay chicken" and how fraudulently re-elected Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad could have a "gay chicken foreign policy."

But I'm not going to go there quite yet.

First, it needs to be stressed that the "gay chicken" model is enormously important in politics and is the best way to understand the foreign policy problems the Obama administration faces with North Korea and Iran. Large numbers of heterosexual guys highly their homoerotic affectionate ties with other men despite wanting sex with women and engage in rituals to heighten the homoerotic charge in their lives. Some of those guys grow up to be Republican politicians and the Bush administration was filled homoeroticized heterosexual men whose entire approach to "rogue nations" like Iran, North Korea, and Venezuela was to play "gay chicken" with them.

And the rogue nations loved it.

In fact, Iranian and North Korean leaders liked "gay chicken" so much with Bush that they've extremely frustrated with President Obama's lack of interest.

In North Korea's case, Kim Jong Il is so (sexually) frustrated that he's threatening a nuclear attack on the U. S..

And I'm not really kidding here.

So, what's "gay chicken?"

According to the Urban Dictionary (courtesy of Chris Hamilton on facebook):

A game played with straight people to see who has more balls, metaphorically the game is played in several ways. The most simple, and weakest, is the kiss. One 'player' moves in for a sensual kiss until one of the 'players' backs off. I've seen this lead to tongues but someone will always pull away.

Another way gay chicken is played is by groping the other 'players' genitals or breasts or anything you can get your hands on. The most common form of the game is gay pillow talk in which each interaction escalates until someone laughs or just
can't respond. Lastly, 'players' can initiate dry humping sessions. Hardcore 'players' will use a combination of three tactics to win the game. Some have been known to even use all four tactics at once. This plan of attack is very tricky.

[For example,] Joshua is the King of gay chicken. I saw him pulling down Daniel's pants while he was kissing his neck. Then he proceeded to dry hump him as he tried to run away with his pants down.

But, of course, homoerotically inclined straight guys like George Bush and Dick Cheney don't have to play gay chicken by actually simulating gay sex (although I'm sure they'd want to), they can also play gay chicken by one upping each other in macho bluster. Bush includes Ahmadinejad and Kim in his "axis of evil" and speculates about nuking Iran. Then Kim responds by threatening to annihilate the United States and Ahmadinejad blusters something about bombing Tel Aviv. In the very first post for this blog, I pointed out the tremendous erotic satisfaction that Bush and Kim got from threatening each other.

My conclusion is that Bush is really engaged in an elaborate mating ritual with Kim Jong-Il, the "Dear Leader of North Korea. For the last five years, Bush has been sending a wide variety of signals that he's interested in Kim's affection--love songs for Kim Jong-Il, if you will. There's been the bellicose denunciations of Kim, the refusal to talk, and the withdrawal of aid. Kim eats this stuff up. He doesn't want food aid for his country anyway. Guantanamo? It might not be based on a North Korean model, but it was sure to get Kim excited anyway. Nothing like adding a little torture to your everyday supermax confinement to get Kim's attention.

The only difference is that I'd now call it a "gay chicken" ritual rather than a mating ritual. After one round of threats is completed, those good buddies Bush, Kim, and Ahmadinejad would start a new round of threats to show each other other how tough they were and how much they really liked each. The constant escalation of the threats produces a homoerotic sexual charge for everyone involved. After they masturbate, they even follow up with a cigarette.

"Another good day at the office."

The problem with Obama is that he doesn't want to play. Instead of threatening Iran and North Korea, he wants to "communicate." What's up with that? What kind of manly dictator wants to "communicate" or "negotiate" with anyone? Those kinds of behaviors imply equality and if dictators were interested in equality, they wouldn't be dictators in the first place.

So, when Kim Jong-Il threatens the United States with nuclear annihilation, what he's really saying is that he wants Barack Obama to come out and play a little "gay chicken," to threaten to starve Kim into submission or unleash "the fire of a thousand suns" on the North Korean homeland.

Otherwise, Kim might start a nuclear war.

Now that he's been fraudulently re-elected, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wants to play a little gay chicken as well. According to a Fox News headline entitled "Ahmadinejad Seeks to Lure Obama into War of Words Amid Iran Election Turmoil":

Ahmadinejad was notorious for his heated rhetoric toward the United States during the Bush administration. He had taken a more tentative approach after Obama's election in November, but now the verbal gloves are coming off.

"You should know that if you continue, the response of the Iranian nation will be strong," Ahmadinejad said Saturday in a speech to members of Iran's judiciary, which is directly controlled by the ruling clerics. "The response of the Iranian nation will be crushing. The response will cause remorse."

In other words, Ahmadinejad is doing the rhetorical equivalent of moving his lips a little closer to Obama's. If Obama starts talking about "regime change" in Iran, then Ahmadinejad will know the game is on and he can start thinking about his strategies for rhetorically dry-humping his American counter-part.

Until then, Ahmadinejad will have to live with his disappointment that John "Bomb, bomb Iran" wasn't elected.